Better than "Hallmark" (and just for you)

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder.
"What the heck was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you,
I've changed my mind.

You brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go.,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.