They Walk Among Us!

from my pal Roy "Goober" Gilleo...


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone else looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They walk among us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Real Estate Agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the Sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the Sun rise in the North?" When my brother went on and explained that the Sun rises in the East, and has done so for quite a while, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They walk among us!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

They walk among us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They walk among us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and that I was in good hands. "Now,"she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

They walk among us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding: "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yup, they walk among us!

AND........ They reproduce!

In Search of ...

You can't have everything.
Where would you put it?

Confessions of a Curmudgeon

The doormat at my front doorstep plainly and proudly proclaims:

"Go Away!".
.
On the door itself is a small engraved notice that reads:

SCRAM!
Uninvited visitors will be ignored, abused, or prosecuted.
Persistent trespassers will be shot.
Survivors will be shot again.
Call (304) 274-3104 and leave a message to request an invitation.

Good Grief! After all, I'm in "the book", and shouldn't common courtesy persuade most folks not to unilaterally impose themselves on the domestic tranquility of others, and doesn't even the Preamble of the Constitution of these United States agree that all of us have the right to "insure (our own) domestic tranquility"?

In any case, just below my not so subtle proclamation, I then drafted and displayed a much more poetic version:

Whoever comes to visit here,
From Road that's right, from Quest that's clear,
Think not to come without prior pass,
Nor veil your mission, or your task.
Look not to enter, nor gain a way,
Past this Warden of the way.
These words were wrought, this warning trumped,
By Larry, who is son of Kump.

Even so, all of the above apparently still was far too subtle, as evidenced by the clueless cretin who pounded fruitlessly on my door last Sunday.

The Resonance of Frost

While browsing in an old book store yesterday, two of the poems of Robert Frost struck me with particular resonance.
You see, these past several years have been full to overflowing with both challenges as well as blessings, so much so that I've frequently yearned for surcease and rest from all of this dynamic stress; even though it has been providential in all its resolutions.
And so it was that Frost captured the longings as well as the determination of my heart in "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening", wherein he wrote, "...The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep."
Further reflecting upon these words of his and the choices I have made and continue to make in my life, another poem of his, "The Road Not Taken", leaped into my musings; as I continued to ponder God's Plan of Happiness for all of His children, and how supernally blessed I have been from my conversion as a young man to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church) and my lifestyle choices since then.
"I shall be telling this with a sigh, Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference."
And so it goes, worlds without end.
To learn more about the purpose of life, call 1-800-438-7557 or visit www.mormon.org.

No Guarantees

Redacted and edited from an email to a friend:

XXXXXX,
Of course, ... there are no guarantees, but you always are doomed to failure every time when you give up and predetermine... defeat...
Our great nation and our personal liberties today would not even exist if our forefathers had succumbed to the conventional wisdom of the time, that no ragtag band of untrained and overmatched colonials could defeat Great Britain, the preeminent world power.
Don't ever let anyone persuade you to believe that you can't make a difference.
...
...
Larry

Postscript: A Psychologist colleague of mine once pointed out to me that many folks become so sure that they'll fail that they actually become prey to "learned helplessness" syndrone.

Hey, Kids!

Bored in Church?
Try as you might, are you just not able to discover any spirituality in Brother Joe Bagadonuts' ponderous word for word and mind-numbing monotone reading of his prewritten talk?
Try this:
Pick up a hymnbook.
Choose any song.
Now mentally add "in the bathtub" to the title.
Share this tip with your parents and see how quickly they give you their undivided attention (not necessarily a good thing).

Sanctum Sanctorum (Pass on to your Friends)

Although sincere, fervent, and private prayer is possible, regardless of our locations or circumstances, my special place of spiritual communion and communication is the Washington, D.C. Temple (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or "LDS" Church).
In that Holy House, just prior to, during, and after completing sacred ordinances; my heart and soul is most receptive to spiritual counsel.
Our Father in Heaven attempts to counsel and help us every day, but the tumult of our workaday and other distractions far too often make it difficult for us to perceive that "still, small voice" of the Holy Ghost, His messenger of truth and wisdom, who replies to our every prayer and plea.
And so it is, after completing an endowment session, and as I sit in the Temple cafeteria to grab a quick bite, my attention always is drawn to a painting on the cafeteria wall, which gives me further pause to ponder.
The painting portrays Our Savior, Jesus Christ, on a hillside by a lake, teaching God's Eternal Plan of Happiness.
On the lake, in the distance, is a sailboat.
That sailboat and the people in it makes me wonder:
How many of us are that close to the truth, but, concerned and consumed with other issues and prejudices, let it pass us by?
For more information about the purpose of life and other eternally significant questions, please visit www.lds.org, www.providentliving.org, or just call 1-800-438-7557.

Instructions for forwarding to Friends: Click on the "envelope" icon below.

Just a Trouble Maker

A small church was seeking a new minister and received the following letter of application:

Dear Committee Brethren,
Please consider me to lead your flock.
I have been a preacher of some success, and also have written much about the Gospel.
I'm also a good organizer and leader.
I'm over 50 years old, and have never been in one place for over three years.
I admit that I have had to leave some congregations after I caused riots and disturbances, and have been imprisoned several times, but not for doing anything illegal.
Even though my health is not good, I get a great deal accomplished.
Some of the other Church leaders in towns where I've worked have not gotten along well with me, and some even have threatened and attacked me.
I have baptized lots of folks, but, since I have not kept good records, I have forgotten whom I have baptized.
I believe I can do a good job for your congregation.

One Committee member was aghast, and asked,
"Call an unhealthy, trouble-making, absent minded, exconvict to such a position of trust? Who has had such arrogance to submit that application?".

The letter was signed, "The Apostle Paul".

(Author Unknown)

At the Movies

While reading the May 2009 issue of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint's (LDS Church's) "Liahona" magazine earlier this morning, one of the articles, "Come Let Us Go Up to the Mountain of the Lord" by Elaine S. Dalton, evoked in me a powerful reminder of a past experience.
It was a memory from many years ago, when I still was living with my parents in Hagerstown, Maryland; probably right after I had been newly baptized and in my last year of college.
Some of my old neighborhood pals from my youth had decided to go see a drive-in movie at the State Line drive-in movie, North of Hagerstown and just across the Maryland-Pennsylvania border.
They invited me to join them, and I agreed.
As the movie began and I was sitting in the back seat of the car, it quickly became abundantly clear to me that the movie was pornographic and that I shouldn't be watching it.
Although I now cannot imagine not knowing the kind of movie it would be prior to agreeing to go see it, I distinctly do remember being filled with remorse and even panic that I was there.
I also have a clear memory of sitting in the back seat of the car, with my eyes averted from watching the screen, and silently as well as fervently praying for a way for me to escape that self inflicted predicament.
When I just about had decided to endure the embarrassment of simply getting out of the car and attempting to hitchhike back home, a heavy fog suddenly closed in upon the theater lot.
The fog was so dense that it quickly became impossible for the visual images to be projected upon the outdoor movie screen, and the theater management stopped the movie and refunded the ticket price to all in attendance.
Prayers are answered, often in ways that we don't immediately discern, but also sometimes in ways that simply and completely dumbfound us.

Perspective

I am persistent.
You are stubborn.
They are pig-headed fools!

The Best Revenge

There is no revenge as complete as forgiveness.

Almost Heaven

The temperature outside my home just now is 55 degrees Fahrenheit.
While prayerfully fasting, I looked out through my Living Room window.
The Sun streaming through the woodland morning mists reminds me of the greatness and wonder of God, as well as of the incredible experience of Joseph Smith with the Father and the Son in the "Sacred Grove", near Palmyra, New York.
It also reminds me of 1991, when my daughter Sarah was fourteen years of age and helping me stake out the property lines for my new home.
She made the same observation then about the Sun shining through the woodland mists.

A Plan "Big Enough for All"

Elder Quentin L. Cook, Apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church) recently pointed out that:
"The Anglican church leader and classical scholar Frederic Farrar, the author of 'The Life of Christ', lamented in lectures in Westminster Abbey that the common teachings of Protestant churches with respect to hell were incorrect. He asserted that a definition of hell which included endless torment and everlasting damnation was the result of translation errors from Hebrew and Greek to English in the King James version of the Bible. Farrar also noted the overwhelming demonstration of a Loving Father in Heaven throughout the Bible as additional evidence that the definitions of hell and damnation used in the English translation were incorrect".
For the full text of his remarks, see "Our Father's Plan of Salvation - Big Enough for All His Children", page 34, May 2009 issue of the "Liahona", also available on the internet at www.liahona.lds.org.

A Letter to My Daughter, Sarah Daniels

Sarah ( A.K.A. Sadie-Belle),
In a blessing administered to me a couple of weeks ago, under the hands of my fellow Priesthood Brethren (John Duff and David Smith), many things were revealed to me.
This blessing included much more than vague adumbrations.
In it and among other things, I also was told that Our Father in Heaven has decreed that my appointed time here on Earth is not yet completed.
The blessing continued on to adjure me that my life has and will continue to be preserved by His Providence, albeit for an unspecified time and for purposes still not yet fully known to me.
And so it was this week that, despite recent contrary indicators, the surgeon discovered no current evidence of additional eruptions of the previous cancers, although additional follow-up oncological procedures and monitoring will continue.
Thank you so much for your personal prayers, as well as those from others, on my behalf.
A tremendous thank you also goes out to all of the medical practitioners who have and who somehow continue to keep me patched together and functioning, notwithstanding previously contrary prognoses (since 1981).
Most of all, however, I thank Our Father in Heaven, who apparently is not yet done with me in the here and now.

Love,
Dad